搞笑英语笑话锦集

　　带来的笑可能会影响控制血糖浓度的神经内分泌系统。 俗话说“笑一笑，十年少”!下面由YJBYS小编为大家整理的英语笑话，希望你快乐。

　　Two roaches 两只蟑螂

　　Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant."I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines.""Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

　　两只蟑螂正在一条小巷的垃圾堆上大吃着，其中的一只谈起了它在一家新开张的餐馆里的经历。“那时我在街对面的那家新餐馆里，”它说。“那里太干净了!厨房没有一点污渍，地面闪着白光。任何地方都没有垃圾。那里是如此干净，整个地方都在发光。”“请不要在我吃东西的时候说这个好吗?”另一只蟑螂不悦地说。

　　What Was It She Wanted?

　　A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer.“No，ma’am， we haven't had any for a while， and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon.” Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，“Of course， we'll have somesoon， We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：“Never， never， never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now whatwas it she wanted?” “Rain.” said the clerk.

　　一个商店经理听见一个店员对顾客说：“不，夫人，这会儿没有，一时半会儿看来也不会有。”经理惊恐万分地跑到顾客跟前说：“当然，马上就会有的。我们上周订了货。”然后经理把店员拉到一边：“千万，千万，千万不要说我们没有什么——说我们已经订了货，货马上就到。现在你说她要买什么?” “雨，”店员说。

　　A preacher is buying a parrot 传教士买鹦鹉

　　A preacher is buying a parrot

　　Are you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.

　　Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.

　　Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.

　　Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?

　　I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.

　　一个传教士在买鹦鹉

　　“你确信它不会尖叫，大叫或诅咒别人吗?”传教士问。

　　“哦，绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。”店主保证说。

　　“你看见它腿上的这些细绳了吗?当你拉动右面的这根，它会背诵天主经，当你拉动左面的那根，它会背诵赞美诗”

　　“太棒了!”传教士说，“但是如果我同时拉动两条绳子，会发生什么呢?”

　　“我会从树干上掉下去的，你这个笨蛋!”鹦鹉尖声说道。

　　How can I get into heaven 我怎么才能上天堂

　　"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

　　"No!" the children all answered.

　　"If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

　　Again, the answer was, "No!"

　　"Well, " I continued, "then how can I get into heaven?"

　　A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

　　“如果我把房子和车卖了，在车库举行义卖, 并把所有的`钱给穷人，我能进天堂吗?”我问主日学校的孩子。

　　孩子们齐声回答：“不能!”

　　“那如果我每天都打扫教堂，给院子的草坪割草，并且把东西都收拾得干净整洁，我会上天堂吗?”

　　回答还是：“不能!”“好吧， ”我继续问, “那我要怎样才能升天堂呢?”

　　一个五岁的男孩儿叫道：“你得死了才行!”

　　I Want Her to go Nuts

　　Mrs. Flinders decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."

　　"But you're not wearing any of those things."

　　"I know," said Mrs. Flinders." It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he'd remarry right away, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

　　福林德斯夫人决定让人给她画肖像。她告诉那位肖像画家说：“画我带着钻石耳环、钻石项链、祖母绿手镯，还有红宝石垂饰。”

　　“但你现在没带这其中的任何一样饰品。”

　　“我知道。”福林德斯夫人说，“万一我先我丈夫死去，我肯定他会立刻再婚。我要让那个女人为寻找这些珠宝而发疯。”