长篇英语笑话故事
1、My Husband Will Be Home Soon A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!" "Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a *y little voice... "Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!" The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!" 我丈夫马上就要回来了 一个已婚男人去拜访他的“女朋友”时，女朋友要求他剃去胡须。 “噢，詹姆斯，我喜欢你的胡子，但我更喜欢看到你英俊的面孔。” 詹姆斯回答说，“我的妻子喜欢我的胡子，所以我不可能剃掉它，否则她会杀了我的。” “噢，我求你了，”女朋友用一种低沉的、性感的声音又一次说道。 “可是，我不能，”他回答道，“我的妻子喜欢这胡子。” 在女朋友再三请求下，他终于屈服同意了。夜里，在妻子熟睡时，詹姆斯爬上了床。 妻子朦朦胧胧地摸了摸他的脸说道，“噢，迈克尔，你不应该在这里，我的丈夫很快就要回来了。”
2、Be Careful What You Wish For A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety. 慎重许愿 一对结婚25周年的夫妻在庆祝他们六十岁的生日。他们恰好在同一天出生。 庆祝活动中，一位仙女出现了。她说，由于他们是已经结婚25年的恩爱夫妻，因此她给许给这对夫妻每个人一个愿望。 妻子想周游世界。仙女招了招手。“呯!”的一声，她的手中出现了一张票。 接下来该丈夫许愿了。他犹豫片刻，害羞地说，“那我想要一位比我年轻30岁的女人。” 仙女拾起了魔术棒。“呯!”，他变成了90岁。
3、This just in : NEW VIRUS WARNING If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles . It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. 这是一个：电脑新病毒的警告 如果你收到一封主题是“ 倒霉透了”的邮件时，立即删除千万不要阅读。这是迄今最为危险的邮件病毒。 它会重写你的硬盘，不止这些，还会损坏任何离你电脑很近的磁碟。重置你冰箱的制冷度数让好吃的冰淇淋全部化掉，牛奶也馊掉。它还会让你的所有信用卡磁条失效，更改你在自动提款机上取钱的密码，你录像机上的影像资料也会变得乱七八糟，它还利用子空间场谐波刮坏任何你想听的CD。 它还会把你的新电话号码告诉你的旧情人，把防冻剂注入到你的鱼缸里，它将喝光你所有的啤酒，然后，当有人上门的时候，将它的臭袜子留在茶几上。 当你迟到的时候它会藏起你的车钥匙，还会干扰你车内的'音响系统，好让你在塞车的时候欣赏沙沙的静电声。 “倒霉透了”还会把你的洗发水换成脱毛膏，然后把你的脱毛膏换成生发液.还始终在你背后与你的现任情人幽会，用你的维萨信用卡支付他们的酒店浪漫费用。 它会色诱你的祖母，不管她在不在人世。这些都显示了此邮件的影响力，它就是这样毁掉了坟墓内外所有美好的事。 这个邮件会使你患上荷兰榆树病，它会让你的屁股永远放不到马桶座垫上，还会把电吹风插在放满水的浴缸旁边的插座上，它会肆意篡改枕头和床垫的禁止事项，把脱脂牛奶换成全脂牛奶。它躲在暗处，到处写满了它的危险和可怕，不过，它呈现的淡紫色到是相当有趣的。
4、One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it. "Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad. "But what about the 10,000 dollars?" "Every time I got a dozen, I sold them." 一天，妻子 Sue 在整理床铺时，偶然发现了一个小盒子。出于好奇心，她小心翼翼的打开了盒子，发现里面放了三枚鸡蛋和10000美元钞票。对于相处了20余年丈夫居然对自己隐瞒了此事，她开始感到有些疑惑不安。 “哦，是这样的，”丈夫 Frank 解释道，“每次我做了对你不忠的事，我就会在这个盒子里放一枚鸡蛋。” Sue 虽然对此感到不很高兴，但是转念又一想20多年的丈夫背着她有婚外情也不过只有三次，想想也不算太坏。 “那么另外的那10000美元是怎么回事?” “每当鸡蛋凑够一打，我就卖了换成现金。”
5、A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hourago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!" 一个男人在热气球上，发现自己迷失了方向。他下降高度，下方有一个妇女。他又下降了一点，大声呼喊,"打扰下，你能帮个忙吗，一个小时以前我答应了一个朋友要和他见面，但现在我不知道我身处何地。” 妇女在下面回答，“你在一个热气球里，大约离地面三十英尺。你在北纬40-41度之间，西经59-60度之间。” “你必定是个工程设计师，”气球上的男人说。 “我是，”女人回答。“你是怎么知道的?” “是这样，”气球上的男人说“你告诉我的事在技术上都是正确的，但是我无法理解你的看法，事实是我依旧迷失。坦白说，到目前为止你没帮上我多少。” 下面的妇女回应道，“你一定是在管理部门工作。” “我是，”气球上的男人回答，“这你是怎么知道的?” “是啊，”妇女说，“你总是不知道你在哪里，也不知道你要去哪里。你的上升，是由于大量的热气。你对别人许下的承诺，你不知道如何履行，而且你还期望在你下面的人会解决你的问题。事实就是在我们见面之前，我们都在完全相同的立场上，可现在，不知怎么地，却成了我的错了。”