爆笑幽默英语笑话

　　Goldfish 金鱼

　　Stan: I won 92 goldfish.

　　斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。

　　Fred: Where are you going to keep them?

　　弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们?

　　Stan: In the bathroom.

　　斯丹：浴室。

　　Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?

　　弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办?

　　Stan: Blindfold(蒙眼睛) them!

　　斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛!

　　Now I have two skunks in there

　　"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"

　　"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."

　　Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher.

　　"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"

　　“我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打电话的人对警察调度员尖叫道。“我们怎样才能把它弄出来?”

　　“弄一些面包屑，”调度员说;“从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的门打开。”

　　一段时间后，那人又打电话打了回来。“你们将它弄出来了吗?”调度员问他。

　　“没有，”打电话的人答道，“现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。”

　　谁才是有色人种

　　Dear white, something you got to know

　　亲爱的白种人，有几件事你必须知道。

　　When I was born, I was black.

　　当我出生时，我是黑色的

　　When I grow up, I am black.

　　我长大了，我是黑色的

　　When I’m under the sun, I’m black.

　　我在阳光下，我是黑色的

　　When I’m cold, I’m black.

　　我寒冷时，我是黑色的

　　When I’m afraid, I’m black.

　　我害怕时，我是黑色的

　　When I’m sick, I’m black.

　　我生病了，我是黑色的'

　　When I die, I’m still black.

　　当我死了，我仍是黑色的。

　　you—white people,

　　你——白种人

　　When you were born, you were pink.

　　当你出生时，你是粉红色的

　　When you grow up, you become white.

　　你长大了，变成白色的

　　You’re red under the sun.

　　你在阳光下，你是红色的

　　You’re blue when you’re cold.

　　你寒冷时，你是青色的

　　You are yellow when you’re afraid.

　　你害怕时，你是黄色的

　　You’re green when you’re sick.

　　你生病时，你是绿色的

　　You’re gray when you die.

　　当你死时，你是灰色的

　　And you, call me color?

　　然后，你叫我“有色种人”?

　　博士与小厮

　　A wealthy old lady who lived near Dr.Swift used to send him presents occasionally by her servant.Dr.Swift took her presents but never gave the boy anything for his trouble.One day as Swift was busy with his writing， the boy rushed into his room， knocked some books out of their place， threw his parcelon the desk and said，“ my mistress has sent you two of herrab bits.” Swift turned round and said，“My boy， that is not the way to deliver your parcel.Now， you sit in my chair，watch my way of doing it and learn your lesson.” The boy sat down. Swift went out， knocked on his door and waited. The boy said“Come in.” The doctor entered，walked to his desk and said，“If you please sir， my mistress sends her kind regards and hopes you will accept these rabbits which her son shot this morning in her fields.” The boy answered，“Thank you， my boy， Give your mistress and her son my thanks for their kindness and here is two shillings for yourself.” The Doctor laughed， and after that， Swift never forgot to give the boy his tip.

　　在斯威夫特博士家附近，有一位富有的老妇人，她时常打发仆人给他送礼物。斯威夫特博士接受她的礼物，但从不给小厮任何酬谢。一天，斯威夫特博士正忙着写东西，小厮冲进了他的房间，把书一扒拉，将一个包裹扔在书桌上，说道：“我的女主人送给你两只兔子。” 斯威夫特转过身来说：“孩子，包裹可不是这样送法呀。现在，你坐在我的椅子上，看看我是怎么送的，并要记取这个教训。” 小厮坐了下来，斯威夫特走出去，敲了敲门，等待回音。小厮说“进来”。博士进了门，走到桌旁说道：“先生，我的女主人向您致以亲切的问候，并希望您收下这些兔子，这是她儿子今天早晨在地里打的。” 小厮回答说：“谢谢你，我的孩子。向你的女主人和她的儿子致谢，谢谢他们的关心。这两个先令是送给你本人的。” 博士笑了，打那以后，斯威夫特从没忘记送小费给小厮。

　　动机

　　My English professor once launched into a lecture on "motivation." "What pushes you ahead?" he asked. "What is it that makes you go to school each day? What driving force makes you strive to accomplish?" Turning suddenly to one young woman, he demanded: "What makes you get out of bed in the morning?" The student replied: "My mother."

　　我们英文课的教授有一次在课上讲“动机”。“是什么推动你在人生的路上向前走?”他问道，“是什么让你每天上学来?又是什么驱使你追求成功?”冲着一个女学生，他问：“是什么让你早晨从床上爬起来的呢?”学生答道：“我妈妈。”

　　Only One Instance

　　Mr. Henry Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word ″Fool″. Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words:

　　″I have known many an instance(实例) of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.″

　　一个星期天,亨利·比切先生到普利茅斯的教堂去,在那里有他的几封信。他打开其中一封,发现信中只写着“傻瓜”两个字。

　　他平静而认真地把这件事告诉教友们：“写信时忘了签名的人,我遇到过很多,但只签了名却忘了写信的人,我还是头一次遇到。”