让你笑抽的英语笑话

　　导语：有笑话，大家一起笑，这就是分享快乐，也许，快乐就是这么简単。下面YJBYS小编为你带来让你笑抽的，希望你会喜欢!

　　1 went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!

　　杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生，我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候，我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了!”“给我一年时间，”医生说，“每周来三次，我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢?”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“为什么你再也没来呢?”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗?有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的?他怎么做到的?”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了!”

　　2 兔子的论文

　　It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

　　这是一个阳光灿烂的晴朗日子，森林里一只小兔子坐在洞穴外，在打字机上敲敲打打。这时一只散步的狐狸走了过来。

　　Fox: "What are you working on?"

　　狐狸：“你在做什么呢?”

　　Rabbit: "My thesis."

　　兔子：“写我的论文。”

　　Fox: "Hmmm. What's it about?"

　　狐狸：“唔，是关于什么的?”

　　Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."

　　兔子：“噢，我在写兔子是怎样吃掉狐狸的。”

　　Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."

　　狐狸：“你太搞笑了吧!谁都知道兔子不吃狐狸。”

　　Rabbit: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."

　　兔子：“兔子当然吃，我能证明的。跟我来。”

　　They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

　　它们一起消失在兔子的洞穴里，几分钟后只有兔子独自出来了。它回到打字机前继续敲打。

　　Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

　　很快，一只狼走了过来，停下看着兔子奋力工作。

　　Wolf: "What's that you're writing?"

　　狼：“你在写什么呢?”

　　Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."

　　兔子：“我在写论文，关于兔子如何吃掉狼。”

　　Wolf: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

　　狼：“你不会指望这种垃圾论文被发表吧!”

　　Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

　　兔子：“能发表，你想知道为什么吗?”

　　The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

　　兔子和狼一起进了洞穴，而兔子又一次独自走了出来。几分钟后它继续打字。

　　Inside the rabbit's burrow: In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

　　兔子洞穴里：一个角落里是一堆狐狸骨头，另一角落里是一堆狼骨头。而另一侧是一只狮子，它边打着饱嗝，边剔着牙齿。

　　It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject.

　　论文的题目选什么无关紧要。

　　It doesn't matter what you use for data.

　　你用什么作为例证数据也无关紧要。

　　What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.

　　真正重要的是：你的论文导师是谁!

　　3 Navajo Message For The Moon

　　纳瓦伙族人给月球的讯息

　　When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew, who were walking among the rocks.

　　在美国国家航天局准备阿波罗航天计划时，他们让宇航员们去亚利桑那州纳瓦伙族保留区进行训练。某天，一位纳瓦伙族老人和他儿子遇见正在岩石间穿行的航空工作人员。

　　The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people:

　　老人问了航天局人员一个问题，但他只会说纳瓦伙族语，儿子帮他进行了翻译：

　　"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

　　“这些穿着厚重衣服的家伙在干嘛?”

　　One of the astronauts said they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

　　一个宇航员说他们正为去月球进行训练。当儿子传达给老人后，老人非常兴奋地问道能否请宇航员们为他向月球传递一条讯息。

　　A NASA official said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. But he refused.

　　航天局官员回答：“当然可以啦!”并吩咐下属拿来录音机。老人的留言非常简短，航天局官员问老人的儿子可否告诉他们老人说了什么，但他拒绝了。

　　Finally, an official government translator was summoned. The translator relayed the message:

　　最后，他们请来了一位政府翻译员，他转述道：

　　"Watch out for these fellows! They have come to steal your land."

　　“小心这些家伙!他们来抢你们的`领土了。”

　　4 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

　　一位女士抱着她的宝宝上公交车，司机看到后说：“额，那是我这辈子见过的最丑的小孩。”

　　The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

　　女士走到车厢后面坐下，感到很愤怒。她对旁边的男士说：“司机刚刚羞辱了我。”男士回应说：“你快上去斥责他。去吧，我替你抱着你的猴子。”

　　5 我们分享一切

　　An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries.

　　一对老夫妇在汉堡王餐厅吃饭，他们小心翼翼地将汉堡和薯条分成两份。

　　A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.

　　一个卡车司机非常同情他们，就提议想给老太太单独点一份。

　　"It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."

　　“没关系的。”老先生说，“我们分享一切。”

　　A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite.

　　几分钟后，卡车司机注意到老太太还没动口吃一点东西。

　　"I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists.

　　他再次对老先生说，“我真的不介意请您妻子吃一顿……”

　　"She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."

　　“她会吃的，”老先生向他保证，“我们分享一切。”

　　Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"

　　司机不太相信，恳求老太太，“你为什么不吃一点?”

　　The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"

　　老太太咂咂嘴，“我在等他的假牙。”

　　6 今年冬天冷不冷?

　　Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service.

　　印地安人问他们的新酋长，这个冬天是冷还是温暖。这位年轻的酋长从没学过祖先那些本领，他只好吩咐他们去捡木柴，然后自己走到一边去给国家气象局打电话。

　　"Will the winter be bad?" he asks.

　　“今年冬天会不会很冷?”他问。

　　"Looks like it," is the answer.

　　“看上去是这样的。”他得到这样的回答。

　　So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again.

　　于是酋长要求大家收集更多的木柴。一个星期后，他又打电话给国家气象局。

　　"Are you positive the winter will be very cold?"

　　“你确信今年冬天会很冷?”

　　"Absolutely."

　　“毫无疑问。”

　　The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: "Are you sure?"

　　酋长随即要求族人捡更多的木柴，然后再次给国家气象局打电话：“你肯定吗?”

　　"I'm telling you, it's going to be the coldest winter on record."

　　“我告诉你，那将是有史以来最寒冷的冬天。”

　　"How do you know?"

　　“你怎么知道?”

　　"Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

　　“因为印第安人正发疯似地捡木柴!”