2014最新最经典英语笑话集锦

　　◆Teacher: “In the old days men were often put in prison with- out any proper reason;but today we never think of puni- shing people for things they have not done.” Bad boy: (sulki- ly): “Then why was I criti- cized yester- day because I didn’t do my homework?”

　　◆Teacher: “Tommy, where was the Declaration of Independence signed?”Tommy: “At the bottom , I guess.”

　　◆First pupil: “What word be- comes shorter if you add two letters to it?”Second pupil: “Oh , I know. It’s” short”.

　　◆Professor Blank: “Hasn’t Jimmy ever married?”Student: “No, and I don’t think he intends to, because he’s studying for a bachelor’s de- gree.”

　　◆“A telegram from George, dear.” “Well, did he pass the exami-nation this time?” “No, but he is almost at the top of the list of those who failed.”

　　◆Miss Betty taught physics in a New York school. One day she said to herclass, ”Now, I have a brother in Los An-geles. If I was calling him on the phone, and at the sametime you were 75feet away, liste-ning to me, whichof you would hear what I saidearlier, my bro-ther or you-andfor what reason?”“One of the bright studentsat once answered, ”Your brother, Miss Betty, be-cause electri-city travels faster than sound waves.” But then, a girl said, ”I disagree, Miss Betty. Your brother would hear you earlier because when it’s eleven o’clock here, it’s eight o’clock in LosAngeles.”

　　◆Teacher: “What was George Wa- shington noted for?”Johnny: “His me- mory.”Teacher: “What makes you think his me- mory was so great?”Johnny: “They erected a mo- nument to it.”

　　◆Stud. : “I’m in- debted to you for all I know.”Prof. : “Oh, don’t mention such a mere trifle.”

　　◆“Now then, Joh-nny, ”said his master, ”if your father gave you eight cents andyour mother gaveyou six and youruncle gave youfour more, whatwould you have?” Johnny wrin-kled up his fo-rehead and went into silence for several minutes. “Come, come, ”said the master impatiently.” Surely you can solve a simple little problem like that.” “It isn’t a simple problem at all, ”replied the boy, ”I can’t make up my mind whether I’d haveice-scream or goto play video game players.”

　　◆Teacher: “When was Rome built ?”Student: “At night.” Teacher: “Who told you that? “Student: “You did. You said Rome was not built in a day.”

　　◆The absent-minded profe-ssor was busy in his study. “Have you see this?”said hiswife, entering.” There is a re-port in the pa-per of your death.” “Is that so?”returned the professor wi-thout looking up.” We must remem-ber to send a wreath.”

　　◆One day, when Mr. Black was gi-ving a lesson, hefound a studentnot listening tohim. Instead, he was writing a ltter. “Who are you writing to, my boy?”he asked kindly. “To nobody, ”the student co-vered the paper with his hands. “To nobody? Idon’t believe it.” “Oh, oh, to my-self, ”the stu-dent answered nervously. “What does your letter say then?” “Sorry, sir, howshould I know?Ihaven’t receivedit yet.”

　　◆Teacher: “How many feet are three dogs, two horses and a farmer?”Student: “Two be- cause all the rest are hoofs.”

　　◆(After visi-ting the Museum of History)Pupil A: “How do you think of the picture of King Henry the Eighth?”Pupil B: “Henry the Eighth?I must say the picture of Henry the Six- teenth.” Pupil A: “There was only King of Henry the Eighth in the British his- tory. Why do you say Henry the Sixteenth? “Pupil B: “Well, I saw his pic- ture twice.”

　　◆Teacher: “What are you going to do when you grow up, Tommie ?”Tommie: “Grow a beard so I won’t have so much face to wash.”

　　◆Teacher: “Millie, spell the word ‘mouse’.” Milie: “M-O-U-S.” Teacher: “But what’s at the end of it?”Milie: “A tail.”

　　◆Teacher: “Marion, why weren’t you in school yesterday?”Marion: “I had a bad tooth, miss.” Teacher: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Is it better now?”Marion: “I don’t know. I left it with the dentist.”

　　◆One German student studied in Oxford. One day he said to a girl student: “You have beautiful legs.” “Stop pullingmy leg, ” she an-swered with a smile. “I’m not pu-lling your legs. I’m just lookingat them.”

　　◆During a na-tural historylesson at school, Mary was asked to give the nameof an animal peculiar to South Afri-ca. “A polar bear!”replied Mary in-stantly. The teacher frowned repro-vingly.” Come, come!Mary, ”she said, ”Polar bears are not to be found in South Africa.” “I know, ”Maryanswered, ”that’swhy it would bepeculiar.”

　　◆1st pupil: “How do you like Mr. Smith’s class?” 2nd pupil: “I’m interested only in the last part of his class.” 1st pupil: “What is that?”2nd pupil: “Class is over.”

　　◆Stud. A: “Don’t bother me. I’m writing to my friend.” Stid. B: “But why are you wri- ting so slowly ?”Stud. A: “Well, she can’t read very fast.”

　　◆Teacher: “Johnson , will you co- rrect the fo- llowing sen- tence, please: the bull and the cow is in the field.” Johnson: “That should be’the cow and the bull is in the the field’, miss. Ladies should always go before gentlemen.”

　　◆Art teacher: “Pa- tricia, I told the class to draw a cow eating, but you have only drawn a cow.” Patricia: “Yes, sir—the cow has eaten all the grass.”

　　◆Teacher: “Kevin, why are you late this time ?”Kevin: “Please, sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.” TeacherL: “I do not see any bandage.” Kevin: “Oh, they weren’t my fingers!”

　　◆A young tea-cher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon con-cert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to Spi-rit, Cocacola, instant coffee, ice-cream and cakes. Just as the pupils were getting back into their bus, she said to li-ttle Sally, ”Have you enjoyed yourself today?” “Oh, yes!”saidSally.” It’s lovely. All exe-cept the music, that is.”

　　◆Teacher: “Stone, give me three reasons why you know the earth to be round.” Stone: “Ma says so, Pa says so, and you say so !”

　　◆A: “How do you spell the word ‘wrong’?”B: “R-o-n-g.” A: “That’s wrong. “B: “That’s what you asked for. “

　　◆Pupil A: “I saw five persons standing under an umbrella and none of them got wet.” Pupil B: “Must have been a big umbrella.” Pupil A: “No. It wasn’t raining.”

　　◆Stud. A: “What did you get on your birthday? “Stud. B: “A year older.”