长篇英语笑话2则

　　谁想去天堂 who want to go to heaven

　　The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon.

　　As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation. "All who want to go to heaven, please rise." Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering "Be seated", the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, "All those who want to be with the devil, please rise."

　　Awaking with a start , the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit , "Well, sir," he said, "I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."

　　牧师非常生气，因为总有一个人在他说教时打瞌睡。

　　一个星期天，正当坐在前排的那个人又在瞌睡时，牧师决定要好好教育他一下，让他不要再在布道时睡觉。于是他低声对信徒们说：“想去天堂的人，都请站起来吧。”所有的人都站了起来——当然，除了那个打瞌睡的人。在低声说过请坐后，牧师高声喊道：“想去下地狱的人请站起来!”

　　打瞌睡的人被这突然的.喊叫声惊醒了，他站了起来。看到牧师高站在教坛上，正生气的看着他。这个人说道：“噢，先生，我不知道我们在选什么，但看上去只有你和我是候选人。”

　　他正在给你刮胡须 He's shaving you

　　Stopping in an unfamiliar barber shop for a shave, a young playboy took a fancy to the manicure gril and suggested dinner and a show that evening.

　　the girl demurred," I don't think I ought to, I'm married."

　　"Why don't you ask your husband," the playboy suggested." I'm sure he wouldn't object."

　　"You can ask him yourself ," the girl srugged." He's shaving you."

　　一位年轻的花花公子在一家不熟悉的理发店里刮胡须，他很喜欢修指甲的女郎，于是提议哪天晚上去吃晚餐和看表演。

　　女郎犹豫着说：“我觉得我不应该去，我结过婚了。”

　　“你何不问问你先生，”花花公子建议说：“我确定他不会反对的。”

　　“你可以自己问他，”女郎耸耸肩道，“他正在替你刮胡须。”