幽默英语笑话「附中文」

　　●喂狗 For the Dog

　　The family seated in a restaurant had finished their dinner when Father Called over the waiter.

　　"My son has left quite a lot of meat on his plate," explained Father, "Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?"

　　"Gosh, Dad!" exclaimed the excited boy. "Have we got a dog then?"

　　一家人在饭馆里吃过晚饭，父亲把服务生叫了过来。

　　”先生，什么事?“服务生问。

　　”我儿子的盘子里剩下许多肉，“父亲说，”能给我们一个袋子吗?我把剩下的东西带回去喂狗。“

　　”啊呀，爸爸!“儿子激动地叫喊着。”咱家养狗了吗?“

　　●脑移植 A Brain Transplant

　　The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.

　　"You have your choice of two brains," he told the patient, "For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician."

　　The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. "Is the brain of a politician that much better?" he asked.

　　The Brain Surgeon replied, "No, it’s not better, just unused."

　　一个外科医生正要作一个脑移植手术。

　　“你可以从两个脑子中选一个给你。”医生告诉病人，“一个学家的大脑1000美元，一个政治家的大脑10000美元。

　　病人很惊讶二者之间这样大的差别，“政治家的大脑好一些吗?”他问。

　　医生说：“不是好一些，只是没有用过。”

　　●最丑的孩子

　　A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

　　一位女士抱着她的宝宝上公交车，司机看到后说：“额，那是我这辈子见过的最丑的小孩。”

　　The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

　　女士走到车厢后面坐下，感到很愤怒。她对旁边的男士说：“司机刚刚羞辱了我。”男士回应说：“你快上去斥责他。去吧，我替你抱着你的猴子。”

　　●我娶了你的姐妹

　　A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

　　一位妇人发现丈夫回家的时候总是烂醉如泥，她决定为丈夫治好这个毛病。一个万圣节夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戏服，躲在树后，准备在丈夫返家时拦截他的去路。

　　When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

　　当丈夫走近时，她从树后跳出来，站到他面前，头上带着红色的羊角、身后有长长的尾巴，手中握着钢叉。

　　"Who are you?" he asked.

　　“你是谁?”丈夫问到。

　　"I'm the Devil!" she responded.

　　“我是魔鬼!”她回答到。

　　"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"

　　“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫说，“我娶了你的姐妹!”

　　●小女孩的愿望

　　On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.

　　在观看完芭蕾舞表演回家的.路上，幼儿园老师问学生的观后感。班上最小的女孩说，她希望舞蹈演员可以长得更高一点儿，那么他们就不用整天踮着脚尖了。

　　●狗也知道这个谚语吗?

　　The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

　　"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

　　"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

　　一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。

　　“没有关系，”一位先生“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗?”

　　●不是我的错

　　It's not my fault

　　Mother (reprimanding训斥，谴责 her small daughter): You mustn't pull the cat's tail.

　　Daughter: I'm only holding it, Mom. The cat's doing the pulling.

　　●不是我的错

　　妈妈(正教训她的女儿)：你不该拽猫的尾巴。

　　女儿：妈，我只是握着猫尾巴，它自己在拽。

　　●父亲在哪?

　　Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

　　"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

　　"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

　　The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

　　兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。

　　“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀!”

　　“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢?”

　　哥哥想了一会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”

　　●两块蛋糕

　　Two Pieces of Cake

　　Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?

　　Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!

　　两块蛋糕

　　汤姆：妈妈，我可以吃两块蛋糕吗?

　　妈妈：当然可以----拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧!

　　●I do not recognize you

　　Walking on the beach one day he saw a crab1, went to see what happens, suddenly crab pincers(钳子) folder2, then crab bush run. Tiger jumped the pain, followed by the recovery of crabs3!

　　Catch up with no trees on the crab, and then to see a tiger in Shou Network spiders, tiger angry at Spider: Good you a crab! Do you think you posted on the Web and I do not recognize you!

　　一天老虎在沙滩散步，见到一只螃蟹，就走过去想看个究竟，突然被螃蟹的钳子夹了一下，螃蟹拔腿就往树丛里跑。老虎痛得跳起来了，紧接着就追螃蟹!

　　追到树丛就不见螃蟹了，这时老虎看见一只守在大网中的蜘蛛，老虎对着蜘蛛发火了：好你个螃蟹!你以为你上了网我就不认得你了!

　　●A Smart Parrot 聪明的鹦鹉

　　A curious guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings1. "Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.

　　"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.

　　"I fall off my perch2 you fool!!" screeches3 the parrot.

　　有个人去宠物店买鹦鹉。在那里，他看见有只鹦鹉的左腿被红线系住，右腿则被绿线系住。对此他感到不解，于是他问该店的老板，老板回答说：“这只鹦鹉受过特殊的训练。如果拉红线，它就讲法语，拉绿线，它则讲德语。”

　　这个好奇的人接着问，“要是我两条线都拉，会怎么样呢?”

　　“我就会掉下来了，你这个傻瓜!!”鹦鹉尖叫着说。

　　●Not so fast 别那么急嘛

　　A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala(欢庆的) charity event was taking place.

　　Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

　　"Great idea!" the chicken cried."Let's offer hem1 ham and eggs?"

　　"Not so fast," said the pig testily2. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

　　一只猪和一只鸡路过一所教堂，那里有一场盛大慈善活动正在进行着。

　　在精神上收到触动的猪向小鸡提出建议：他们每个人作出点自己的贡献。

　　“好主意!”鸡尖叫道，“让我们给腿和鸡蛋吧?”

　　“着什么急”猪不耐烦地说，“对你来说，是一个贡献，对我来说，这是一个完全的献身。”