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最搞笑幽默笑话
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2024-01-02 01:00:00

最搞笑幽默笑话大全

  最搞笑大全一:

  今日上解剖课

  今日上解剖课,刚好上到泌尿系统那一章,老师说,如果你不吃早餐,那么你的大肠会对你的粪便重吸收,也就相当于你在吃你自己的粪便、我靠,不知不觉我特么吃了19年自己的粪便了。

  小明请用又……又……造句

  老湿:小明请用又……又……造句。小明:爸爸的又大又长, 老湿:嗯,明天请你爸爸来我办公室一下。小明:额今天怎么不叫我滚了……

  我刚进考场发现准考证忘带了

  高考那年,我刚进考场发现准考证忘带了,正当我焦急的时候老妈气喘吁吁的跑来:“你准考证落在家里了!”我感动的说:“急死我了,快给我。”老妈愣了下:“不是告诉你落在家里了吗?

  说多了都是泪

  记得小时候有一次考试只考了8分,为了不挨揍我偷偷的加了一个0,回家后老妈看着我的试卷问我:“你是不是改分数了?”我理直气壮的说没有,老妈边揍我边骂:“让你考个08分,让你考个08分。”

  看着他们

  我们宿舍好吓人,晚上睡觉,老大磨牙还带颤抖,老二扣床板,老三说梦话时不时还带着阴森森的“呵呵。”就我正常,就喜欢在半夜两点半坐起来看着他们。

  这条定律是错的

  物理老师:任何物体在没有受到外力的情况下,总是保持静止或匀速直线运动。小明:老师,这条定律是错的。物理老师:你给我滚出去!小明一边滚动一边说:您看,您没有碰到我,我就开始运动了,而且不是匀速的,说完开始加速滚动…

  How can I get into heaven 我怎么才能上天堂

  "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

  "No!" the children all answered.

  "If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

  Again, the answer was, "No!"

  "Well, " I continued, "then how can I get into heaven?"

  A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

  “如果我把房子和车卖了,在车库举行义卖, 并把所有的钱给穷人,我能进天堂吗?”我问主日学校的孩子。

  孩子们齐声回答:“不能!”

  “那如果我每天都打扫教堂,给院子的草坪割草,并且把东西都收拾得干净整洁,我会上天堂吗?”

  回答还是:“不能!”“好吧, ”我继续问, “那我要怎样才能升天堂呢?”

  一个五岁的男孩儿叫道:“你得死了才行!”

  I Want Her to go Nuts

  Mrs. Flinders decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."

  "But you're not wearing any of those things."

  "I know," said Mrs. Flinders." It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he'd remarry right away, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

  福林德斯夫人决定让人给她画肖像。她告诉那位肖像画家说:“画我带着钻石耳环、钻石项链、祖母绿手镯,还有红宝石垂饰。”

  “但你现在没带这其中的任何一样饰品。”

  “我知道。”福林德斯夫人说,“万一我先我丈夫死去,我肯定他会立刻再婚。我要让那个女人为寻找这些珠宝而发疯。”

  最搞笑幽默笑话大全二:

  是哪两个词?

  What Are The Two Words?A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter.“My dear,” said the old lady,“I wish you would do something for me.I wish you would promise me never to use two words.One is‘lousy’and the other is‘swell’.Would you promise me that? “Why,sure,Granny,”said the girl.“What are the two words?”

  一个非常高贵的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。“我亲爱的,”老夫人说:“我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两个词。一个是‘讨厌的’,另一个是‘极好的’。你能答应我吗?” “噢,当然,奶奶。”女孩说:“是哪两个词?”

  两颗番茄

  he first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again. The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: "we are not tomatoes? We can talk?"

  两颗番茄去逛街,第一颗番茄突然走得很快,第二颗番茄就问:“我们要去哪里?” 第一颗番茄没有回答,第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄还没回答,所以第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄终于慢慢转头说:“我们不是番茄吗?我们会说话吗?”

  相同的职责

  The Same DutiesA retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast." Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

  相同的职责一个退休的四星级将军在曼哈顿的一个酒吧偶然地遇到了他以前的勤务兵,勤务兵也退休在家。这位将军花了一整个晚上的时间来说服他回来做他的贴身随从。“你的职责与在军队时完全一样,”将军说,“这没什么,你很快就会再次理解它的。” 第二天早晨八点钟时,前勤务兵迅速地进到前将军的.卧室,拉开窗帘,轻轻地摇了摇将军,然后大步走到床的另一侧,在他雇主的妻子屁股上拍了一下,说道:“好了,甜心,你该回到村庄去了。”

  好奇心驱使下啊

  已经不是第一次这样干了!和哥们儿在ATM上取钱,旁边一妹子在另一台ATM上取钱。哥们儿问:取多少?我大声答:取300 然后默默的在键盘上输了400。钱出来后,装模作样的数了一遍,然后把钱摊开给哥们儿看,很大声的说:又多了100。哥们儿假装很惊讶:不会吧?怎么每次在这台机子上取钱都会多100?然后离开,在远处偷偷的看着妹子。果不其然,妹子换了台ATM取钱!

  总算找到组织了

  我一信道的哥们神经了,他老婆没办法,只好把他送到精神病院。治了半年,有所好转,出院后老哥又改研究易经,结果半年后又神经了,他老婆哭成泪人……后经几位朋友指点,说某大寺院有位高僧,如果能请他来作法,肯定会把他的病治好。他老婆咬牙花重金还真把那位高僧请来了——结果高僧一进门看到我哥们,二话没说,上来就给丫跪地磕头,连声叫师傅,说找了六十多年了可算找到师傅了!他老婆当时就吐血了……

  是不是你加上的

  女儿:妈,这是考试卷子,90分。妈妈:你老实交代,后面那个0是不是你加上的,你如果老实交代妈妈给你100块。女儿:好吧,妈妈,我说实话,其实那个9才是我加上的。妈妈:......

  来,壮士干下这碗大姨妈

  今天,我们班一女同学,拿了一杯红色的饮料来,在喝,看见人来,就拿了一个透明杯来。说了一句,来壮士干下这碗大姨妈。

  干爹不如亲爹

  和同学去面试,干爹已经帮我把路铺垫好了,我只是去走个形式;没想到我同学被录取了……出来后我没能控制住自己的情绪,指着同学骂道:“你要长相没长相,要身材没身材,干爹TM的看上你哪点了!为什么用你没用我!”

  同学拍了拍我的肩膀说:“你干爹?那TM是我亲爹!”

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