精品英语笑话，让学英语变得不无聊

　　●太晚了 It's Too Late

　　A medical student was called on to state how much of a certain drug he would give to a patient. He promptly replied: "Five grains."

　　A minute later the student asked the professor, "May I correct my answer?" The professor looked at his watch and said: "It's too late. Your patient died thirty seconds ago."

　　一个医科学生被要求说明他给病人服的那种药的用量。他立即回答道：“五粒。”

　　一分钟后，这个学生问教授：“我可以改正我的回答吗?”教授看看手表，说：“太晚啦，你的病人已在30秒钟以前死了。”

　　●因祸得福 To Profit from a Misfortune

　　A man was a butterfingers. He had been suffering from unemployment for months.

　　At last he found a job in a chinaware house. He had worked only a few days when he dropped a large vase.

　　The manager summoned him to the office and told him that money would be deducted from his wages every week until the vase was paid for. He asked: "How much did it cost?" "Five hundred dollars." said the manager. "Oh, that's wonderful," he said happily, "I'm so happy that I have got a steady job at last."

　　有一个人很粗心，老是打烂东西。他已失业好几个月了。

　　最后他在一个瓷器店找到了一个工作。可是才干了几天，他就打烂了一个很大的花瓶。

　　经理把他到办公室去，告诉他每个星期都要扣他的工钱，直到赔偿够了为止。他就问：“那个花瓶值多少钱?”经理说：“值500美元。”他很高兴地说：“啊!太妙了，我非常高兴，终于有个稳定的工作啦。”

　　●我干得怎么样 How did I do

　　A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

　　The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

　　Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!"

　　一名新警察与老警察开着警车第一次出去巡逻。 他们得到命令去疏散一群闲逛的人，于是他们开车去了那条街，看到路口站着一群人。

　　新警察摇下窗户：“大家注意了，快离开这里。”人们看了他几眼，没理他。他喊起来：“离开这里，马上离开!”大家都不知道怎么回事，但是在他的威胁下还是离开了。

　　新警察对他第一次执行公务的结果很满意，对老警察说：“我干得怎么样?”“你做得很好，”老警察笑着说，“尤其是在公共汽车站。”

　　●我可以回家了

　　●Now i can go home

　　One day after school the teacher said to his students，“Tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first question.I'll permit him or her to go home earlier.” The next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard daubed.He was very angry and asked，“Who did it?Please stand up! ” “It' s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Good-bye，Sir! ”

　　●我 可 以 回 家 了

　　一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说：“明天上午，如果你们当中的任何一个同学能回答我的第一个问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。”第二天，老师走进教室时发现黑板已被乱涂，他非常生气地问：“谁涂的? 请站起来。”鲍勃说：“先生，是我，现在我可以回家了，再见。”

　　●Cry

　　"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."

　　"Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."

　　"But has he finished his own cake?"

　　"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."

　　“汤姆，你弟弟怎么了?” 妈妈在厨房里问。“他在哭。”

　　“没事儿，妈妈，”汤姆答道。“我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我不给他吃。”

　　“他已经吃完自己的了么?”

　　“是的。”“我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。”

　　●可怜的男人

　　A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.

　　Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

　　The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

　　Bartender: "That should make you happy."

　　The man: "No, the month is up today!"

　　一个男人坐在酒吧里，伤心至极。

　　酒吧招待：“你怎么了?跟老婆闹矛盾了?”

　　男人：“我们吵了一架，她说一个月都不跟我说话。”

　　酒吧招待：“那你应该高兴才是啊!”

　　男人：“不，今天是这个月的最后一天。”

　　●太黑了，看不见

　　After supper, the parents were busy playing mah-jong with the guests. At this point the mother thought of something and said to her son who was watching TV, "Honey, go see if the kitchen light is on or not?" After a while, her son returned and said, "Ma, the kitchen is so dark that I cannot see it at all."

　　晚饭后，父亲和母亲都忙着和客人玩麻将，这时母亲忽然想起点儿事来，便对正在看电视的儿子说道：“宝贝，去看看厨房里的灯是不是还开着呢?” 过了一会儿，儿子回来说：“妈，厨房里太黑了，我根本就看不见。”

　　●One real man

　　The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives. He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely(严格地，严厉地).

　　Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives' directions and counsel(劝告，建议) to step to the left side of the hall. All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right.

　　It's good to see, said the king, that we have one real man in the kingdom. Tell these chickenhearted(胆小的) dunces(傻瓜) why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall.

　　Your Majesty, came the reply in a squealing voice, it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds.

　　●一个真正的男子汉

　　古代有一个国王，他想证明他领土内的男人并非像人们传说的那样，受到老婆的管制。他把王国里所有的男人都召到跟前，警告说，哪个男人胆敢不说实话，就会受到严厉的惩罚。

　　然后，他叫所有听从妻子的命令和意见的男人都走向大厅的左侧。所有的男人都站到了左侧，只有一个小个子男人站到了右侧。

　　国王说：看到我们国家里还有一个真正的男子汉，真是令人高兴。告诉这些胆小的笨蛋，为什么在他们当中只有你一个人站在大厅的右侧。

　　陛下，那人尖声地回答：因为在我出门之前，我老婆告诉我不要扎堆。

　　●万能的圣诞老人并非啥都知道

　　As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

　　The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

　　一个女孩爬到圣诞老人的膝盖上，圣诞老人例行公事的问：“今年圣诞节你想要什么呢?”

　　孩子瞪大眼睛惊讶的望着圣诞老人一分钟都没讲话，然后喘着气说到：“你没收到我的电子邮件吗?(我想要什么都写上面了，万能的圣诞老人咋能不知道捏)”

　　●Psychiatrist 精神病医生

　　Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!

　　杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生，我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候，我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了!”“给我一年时间，”医生说，“每周来三次，我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢?”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“为什么你再也没来呢?”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗?有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的?他怎么做到的?”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了!”

　　●兄弟俩的对话 Where is the father?

　　Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

　　"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

　　"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

　　The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

　　父亲在哪儿?

　　兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。

　　“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀!”

　　“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢?”

　　哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”

　　●汽车配件 Automobile Fittings

　　A lorry driver makes inquiry of a mountaineer, "Excuse me, where can I buy the auto accessories(附件) in the neighborhood?"

　　Mountaineer says, "Some people usually drive heroic car on the road. There is a abrupt turn(急转弯) ahead not far from here, and a clough(深谷) just below it, where you can find all kinds of the auto accessories. You will spend no money at all."

　　一个卡车司机向一山民打听：“请问，这附近哪儿能买到汽车配件?”

　　山民说：“这条路上经常有人开英雄车，前面不远处是个急转弯，急转弯的下面就是深谷，那深谷里什么样的汽车配件都有——根本用不着花钱。”

　　●拍卖会上 At Auction Fair

　　At auction spot, someone has lost a bag, in which has the vital document.

　　The owner says, "Once who picked it up brings it to me, I will take out 200 dollars to remunerate reward him or her."

　　On hearing the news, another chap(小伙子，家伙) shouts out:" I reward 300 dollars."

　　拍卖会上，有人的'包丢了，里面装有重要文件。物主说：“有谁拣到送还，我将拿出200美元以表酬谢。”

　　话刚出口，就听有人喊：“我出300美元。”

　　●The Doctor Knows Better

　　A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."

　　"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.

　　Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive."

　　"Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"

　　一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院。他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说：“我想他伤得很厉害。”

　　医生说：“恐怕他已经死了。”

　　听到医生的话，这个男人转动着头说：“我没死，我还活着。”

　　妻子说：“安静，医生比你懂得多。”

　　●I Don't Need to Steal Any More

　　The owner of a large department store went over hisbooks and discovered that his most trusted employee had stolenover a million dollars from the firm.“I want no scandal，” saidthe owner.“I'll just fire you.” The employee replied，“True，I robbed your firm of quitea tidy sum. I now have yachts， a country mansion， jewelry，and every luxury you can think of. I don't need a thing， sowhy hire somebody else and have him start from scratch?”

　　一家大百货店的老板在查帐中发现，他最信任的雇员从公司偷走了一百多万美元。“我不要丑闻。”老板说。“我只要开除你。”那个雇员回答说：“不错，我是偷了你公司相当一大笔钱。现在我有游艇、一座乡村别墅、珠宝，以及你能想到的一切 奢侈品。我什么都不需要了，你为什么要再雇个人来，让他从头做起呢?”

　　●合理的忧伤

　　On his deathbed poor Lubin lies; His spouse is in despair; With frequent sobs and mutual cries; They both express their care. “A different cause，”says Parson Sly， “The same effect may give： Poor Lubin fears that he may die ; His wife，that he may live”.

　　马修·普赖厄 可怜的鲁宾躺在他的病床里; 他的妻子陷入绝望; 频频啜泣，相对哭啼， 他们都表达着忧伤。 “不同原因，”滑头牧师说， “可产生同样结果： 可怜的鲁宾怕他会死; 他老婆，怕他会活。”

　　Compare other things?比一下其他?

　　Compare other things?比一下其他?

　　Son: Mom, John has a pair of shoes with Gordon’s name signed.

　　Mom: You just care about this? Haven’t you compared other things?

　　Son: Yes, his mother is prettier than you.

　　儿子：妈妈，John有双乔丹签名的球鞋。

　　妈妈：你只关心这个吗?不会比一下其它东西?

　　儿子：有啊，他妈妈比你漂亮。

　　●What are the Two Words?

　　A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is ‘lousy’ and the other is ‘swell’. Would you promise me that?

　　Why, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words?

　　一个非常和蔼的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。我亲爱的，老夫人说，我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两个词，一个是“讨厌的”，另一个是“极好的”。你能答应我吗?

　　噢，当然，奶奶。女孩说：是哪两个词?