爆笑幽默笑话小故事

　　爆笑小故事一：

　　这样也行啊

　　我有一二货哥们，在上地铁的时候被一女的踩脚了，我那哥们不等那女的道歉就开骂了!结果两人越吵越厉害，我那哥们儿就要动手。那女的一看要打她就说了句：“君子动口不动手!”我那二货哥们儿上去就亲了那女的一口后说：“我这是动口要是动手你就躺床上了!”说完一转头下车! 说的我都醉了。

　　重点不一样

　　去年女朋友劈腿和一个猥琐男在一起了，前天那男的来消息说下个月就要和她结婚了，然后对我各种讽刺!怒火中烧啊，但是本着内涵段子的精神我还是淡定的回了他句：有什么了不起的你只是上了我前女友而已，但是我上过你老婆!

　　你爷爷

　　A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:"Serve me, quick! Give me your best. I don't care the price."Not like the way he talked, the waiter said to him: "Hey Buddy, it doesn't matter you have a lot of money. You are still son of somebody, and grandson of somebody else."The young man raged: "Dare you! Tell me, who wants me to be his grandson?"The waiter replied with ease: "Nobody. Just your grandfather."

　　一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一进饭店就大声嚷嚷：“喂，有什么好菜尽管端上来，钱多少我不在乎。”服务员听了很不是滋味：“哥儿们，钱多顶个屁，你不照样得做别人的儿子，就是有人要你做孙子你也不敢不做!”年青人勃然大怒：“谁敢占老子的便宜?你说，是谁不要命了，胆敢要老子做他的孙子?”服务员慢条斯理地答道：“你爷爷!”

　　她要买什么

　　A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer. No, ma’am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting soon.Horrified, the manager came runningover to the customer and said, Of course, we'll have somesoon, We placed an order last week. Then the manager drew the clerk aside: Never, never, never say we are out of anything say we've got it on order and it's coming.Now what was it she wanted? Rain, said the clerk.

　　一个商店经理听见一个店员对顾客说：不，夫人，这会儿没有，一时半会儿看来也不会有。经理惊恐万分地跑到顾客跟前说：当然，马上就会有的。我们上周订了货。然后经理把店员拉到一边：千万，千万，千万不要说我们没有什么，说我们已经订了货，货马上就到。现在你说她要买什么? 雨，店员说。

　　现在几点了

　　The two boys were camping in the backyard. When they couldn't figure out what time it was, the first boy said to the second, "Start singing very loud."

　　"How will that help?" said the second boy.

　　"Just do it," insisted the first.

　　Both boys broke into song, singing at the top of their lungs. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, "Keep it down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"

　　两个男孩子在后院露营，他们不知道到了晚上几点钟。于是，一个男孩对另外一个说：“我们开始大声唱歌就行了。”

　　“那就会知道时间吗?”第二个男孩问。

　　“只管唱吧。”第一个坚持道。

　　两个孩子开始大声唱歌，过了一会儿，一个邻居打开窗户喊道：“小声点!你们不知道现在是凌晨三点吗?”

　　是我把他晾干

　　Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

　　When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office.

　　"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he's dead."

　　Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."

　　Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。一天，他们沿着医院的游泳池散步，Jim突然跳入泳池的深水区，他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他，她潜到水底，把Jim拉了上来。

　　当院长听闻了Mary的英勇行为后，他立刻翻看了她的病历档案,把她叫进了自己的办公室.

　　“Mary，我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人，这说明你的意识已经恢复了，你可以出院了。坏消息就是，Jim，你救的那个病人，他还是用自己的浴袍带子在浴室上吊自杀了。”

　　Mary说：“他没有自杀，是我把他吊起来好让他晾干。”

　　省一半的煤

　　A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: "That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!"

　　一位精明的家庭主妇听人说有一种炉子用起来可以比她现在用的炉子省一半的煤。她听了大为兴奋，说：“那太好了!一个炉子可以省一半的煤，那么如果我买两个炉子的话，不就可以把煤全都省下来了吗?”

　　是不是大爷理解错了

　　马路上，老大爷骑车不慎蹭到了社会青年的座驾， 车身出现少许划痕。青年大骂老大爷并让大爷赔钱， 老大爷急得直哭。这时人群中一个好心的'老大妈小声对大爷说：“大爷你躺下，你懂的......”老大爷涨红了脸，愤怒地回道：“懂你妹啊，都什么时候了你还想那个......”

　　爆笑幽默笑话小故事二：

　　这小姐太犀利了

　　一朋友去找小姐完事后点了根烟他为了避免尴尬就想和小姐聊天问道：“你出来干这个你家人知道吗?” 小姐：“那你出来干我你家人知道吗?”

　　舔和含不算吃

　　老婆和老公在床上看电视，老婆在床上吃零食。老公：能不能别在床上吃东西?老婆：好吧，我以后绝对不在床上吃东西了。老公：老婆，我错了。

　　孩子你的表述能力很强

　　女儿：“妈妈妈妈，我要告诉你件事。”妈妈：“什么事?”女儿：“那天我看到爸爸和刘阿姨在床上…”妈妈打断：“等下，等你爸回来再当面说!”爸爸回，妈妈：“说吧”! 女儿：“妈妈，那天我看到爸爸和刘阿姨在床上做你和王叔叔经常做的事…”爸爸妈妈：“卧槽…”

　　节操碎一地

　　今天早上看一妹子的签名：屁股痛，腿痛，腰痛。我想都没想就回：昨晚你都玩了哪些姿势啊?一会下面的跟帖都是满满的赞啊!说好的节操呢?

　　帮忙扶一下

　　某同学到养老院学雷锋，带着一个六十多岁的大爷上厕所，大爷颤颤巍巍的解开裤子，对他说：过来扶一下。他赶紧过去帮忙，事后，大爷教育同学：下次让你扶，你扶我就行，那个我自己会扶....

　　没办法，这是宿命

　　戴女士和李女士同时追我，我选择了戴女士，李女士问：“为什么?”我说：“没办法，这是宿命。”她不服气：“哪里有什么宿命!”我说：“有，不信你跟着我读，得…爱…戴!这不…得爱…戴嘛!”她说：“就因为这个吗?”我说：“不是，还有她的胸……大啊!”

　　大姨妈一来都有阴影了

　　大姨妈来去厕所换姨妈巾，特意挑着上课的点去，没想到一会儿一群一年级的小朋友来上厕所，突然听到一个小女孩大叫：“音乐老师撒尿撒出血来了。”顿时好多孩子都很担心的跑我面前问我：“你怎么了?”啊，想死的心都有了，现在大姨妈一来上厕所都有阴影了。

　　有这么严重吗

　　游泳课上老师说：“今天全部都要下水。”一同学说：“老师我还没太学会，可不可以不下去。”老师说：“不下水的待会点名册上把名字删除。”同学说：“下水了我家里的户口本就把我划掉了!”