英语幽默笑话大全 爆笑

　　◆Teacher: “Tommie, what do you know about the Dead Sea?” Tommie: “I didn’t even know it was ill.”

　　◆Teacher: “Here is a world map. Who can show us America?”(Tom goes to the map and finds America on it. )Teacher: “Now, tell me, boys, who found America?” Pupils: “Tom.”

　　◆A boy was wondering about a photograph in a newspaper. It showed a group of happy and cheerful children carrying schoolbags with the caption at the bottom: “On Their Way to School”. “I think it’s mistaken. They must be on their way home after class, I’m sure!” the boy concluded.

　　◆Geography teacher: “What is the consequence of the breaking up of the former Soviet Union?” Student: “It means that we have more names of new countries to remember.”

　　◆Math teacher: “Now remember, class, statistics don’t lie, For example, if twelve men could build a house in one day, one man could build the same house in 12 days. Do you understand what I mean? Jack, give me an example.” Jack: “You mean that if one boat could cross the ocean in six days, six boats could cross the same ocean in one day.” Biology teacher: “Johnnie, can you give a familiar example of the human body that adapts itself to changed conditions?” Johnnie: “Yes, ma’am. My aunt gained 50 pounds in a year, and her skin never cracked.”

　　◆Teacher: “Can you give me a good example of how heat expands things and cold contracts them?” Student: “Well, the days are much longer in the semmer than in winter.”

　　◆Mary has been going to primary school for a week. At the end of the first week her father asked her: “Which period do you like best at school, dear?” May thought for a while and answered: “I like the break period best.”

　　◆During the final examination, some pupils were so eager to answer the questions that they forgot to fill in the blanks for the class, name, date, etc. on the front page of the examination paper. The teacher considered it necessary to remind them of filling all the blanks. She declared: “Now, attention please! Fill in all the blanks before you do the questions.” “Shall I fill the blank for the marks?” one pupil asked.

　　◆A teacher was asking a pupil in her class.” Tommie, how many persons are there in the classroom?” “Forty-one, including you, ma’am, ”Tommie answered.” Then, how many are left when I go out?” the teacher asked again.” None, madam.”

　　◆“What do you think of the relationship between ‘deceit’, ‘failure’ and’ success’?” the 1st pupil asked the 2nd pupil. “I think deceit will lead to failure,” the second answered. “Yes, ”the first pupil went on,” but failure is the mother of success.” “So no deceit, no success, ”concluded the 1st pupil.

　　◆Teacher: “Why are you often late for school?” Student: “Because the sign said: School Zone, Go Slow!”

　　◆During a Christmas exam, one of the ques-tions was: “What causes a depre-ssion?”One of the students wrote: “God knows!I do not know. Merry Christmas!”The exam papercame back with the prof. ‘s no-tation: “God gets100, you get zero. Happy New Year!“

　　◆The more we study, the more we know. The morewe know, the morewe forget. The more we forget, the less we know. The less we know, the less weforget. The less we forget, the more we know. So why study?

　　◆The professorrapped on his rostrum and shouted: “Gentle-men, order!” The entire class yelled: “Beer!”

　　◆First stud. : “How are a teacher and a railroad conductor alike?”Second stud. : “I don’t know. Can you tell me?”First stud. : “One minds the trains and the other trains the minds.”

　　◆“Aren’t you ashamed of your-self, Henry?”saidthe headmatser, ”You are the worst pupil in your class.” Henry replied, “What’s that gotto do with me?Isit my fault thatthe worst one was transferredto another school yesterday?”

　　◆Little Smith came home fromwith a new bookunder his arm. “It’s a prize, mother, ”he ex-plained. “A prize?What for, dear?” “For zoology. Teacher asked mehow many legs anostrich has and I said three.” “But an ostrichhas only two legs.” “I know it now. But all the pu-pils said four, so I was closest.”

　　◆An absent-min-ded professor was lecturing on anatomy. “To show you more clearly what I mean, I have here a parcel with a dissected frog. I want you to ex-amine it very carefully.” The professorunwrapped the parcel and saw that it contain-ed two sandwich-es and a boiled egg. Astonished, theprofessor said: “I was sure I hadeaten my lunch, but where is thefrog?”

　　◆First stud. : “What did you do with the cuffs I left on the table last night?”Second stud. : “They were so soiled I sent them to the laundry.” First stud. : “My gods, the entire history of England was on them.”

　　◆A son at colle-ge wrote his father: “No mon, no fun, your son. “The father an-swered: “How sad, too bad, your dad.”

　　◆“Say, dad, reme-ber that storyyou told me about when youwere expelled from college?” “Yes.” “Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that historyrepeats itself.”

　　◆“Where have you been for the last four years?”“At college taking medicine. ““And did you finally get well?”