交朋友英语爆笑笑话

　　Hello, six-year-old child.

　　你好，六岁毛孩。

　　Seeing as how fate has brought us together here, in the crowded coach section of this expensive airplane, I thought I should introduce myself.

　　命运是多么奇妙，让你我在此相遇。这架飞机很贵，普通舱人也很多，既然遇见你，我想我该介绍下我自己。

　　My name is Amy, and I’m an adult. I suspect that you’re too young to understand what “adult” means, so let me explain. It means that I’m taller than you, and smarter, and that I get to do lots of awesome things, like smoke cigarettes and ovulate. It also means that I like to take naps on airplanes and read my newspaper in silence. These things seem to be very different from the things that you like to do.

　　我的名字叫艾米，我是个成年人。你还太小，我估计你不会懂得“成年人”的意思，让我告诉你吧。成年人的意思就是我比你高，比你聪明，而且我要做很多很棒的事情，比如抽烟，比如排卵。我还喜欢在飞机上打盹，看报纸也不发出声音，这些也是成年人才做的事。这些事情你可能不会想做。

　　I’ve gleaned from its near-constant utterance by the woman sitting next to you—your mother, I suppose, or perhaps a social worker or a federal prisoner who’s being paid to spend time with you—that your name is Timmy. It’s probably Timothy, actually, but people call you Timmy because it’s cuter. Which is appropriate, Timmy, because you’re very cute, you really are. You’re really very fucking cute.

　　我刚才和我身边的那个女人絮叨了一阵，知道你的名字叫提米。我想，那个女人是你妈吧，也许是个社会工作者，也许是个带薪和你呆在一起的联邦囚犯。也许是提莫斯吧，不过人们还是叫你提米，这个名字更可爱一点。哪个更合适呢，提米?因为你很可爱，你真的很可爱。你真他妈太可爱了。

　　I’m going to drink this cup of coffee—would you like some? I didn’t think so. You’re more of a juice-box man, from what I gather. The way I gather this is by looking at the stain on my ninety-eight-dollar pants, the one you made when you put your juice box there. If I touched your pants, Timmy, I would probably be sent to jail. There are lots of differences between you and me, but that’s one of the big ones: the quality and the seriousness of what happens when we touch other people’s pants.

　　我要喝这杯咖啡了，你要来点吗?我可不这么认为。从我收集到的信息来看，你会是个穷人。我怎么收集信息的呢，看你在我花了98美元买的裤子上弄的斑点就知道了，这个斑点是你放果汁盒时弄出来的。如果我也弄下你的裤子，我就得进监狱。我俩之间有很多不同，其中最大的不同就是：我们碰别人裤子时的性质和严重性。

　　You’re not much of a sleeper, are you, Timmy? We’ve just met, but it seems to me like maybe you don’t really enjoy sleeping all that much. In fact, it seems to me that one of your greatest joys in life is wakefulness—and not simply passive wakefulness but the kind of vigorous wakefulness that makes a person like me start to question the very possibility of silence as a condition that can exist in the universe. I can see that I’ve confused you, Timmy, and I apologize; I was only trying to point out that you really seem to enjoy being awake. Let me make it up to you by giving you this modest dose of Ambien. It’s a kind of candy for your soul. Your soul is a kind of mouth that’s inside your brain.

　　你不贪睡，是吧，提米?我们刚遇见，在我看来，你并不真的很喜欢睡觉啊。实际上，你人生最大的乐趣之一就是醒着，不是简单地消极地醒着，而是充满活力的醒着。你的这种活力让像我这样的人纳闷，宇宙间还有个清净地吗?我知道，我让你感到困惑。提米，我向你道歉。我只是想指出，你真地很享受醒着的感觉。给你这颗安必恩吧，吃不吃在你。这是一种为你灵魂准备的'糖果。灵魂就是一张嘴，它在你脑袋里。

　　Here comes the nice stewardess lady with a bag for collecting people’s garbage. Would you like me to give her some of the garbage that’s strewn all over your seat—and, if we’re being perfectly honest here, Timmy, all over my seat as well? And, while we’re at it, maybe I could give her this talking doll—the one that sings songs, very loud songs, songs of terrifying and ungodly volume, from that animated movie about adventurous insects. It’s not that I don’t love the doll; it’s just that I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for children to carry such things on airplanes. Have you heard of terrorism, Timothy? That’s why it’s illegal for you to have this doll.

　　有个漂亮乘务员姐姐过来了，她拿了个袋子，是来装大家的垃圾的。你愿意让我把你四处扔在自己座位上的垃圾给些给她吗?还有，如果咱俩都承认的话，提米，我座位上也全是你扔的垃圾。还有，咱俩都说到这了，也许我可以把你会说话的娃娃也给她?那个娃娃会唱歌，唱得很大声，唱很吓人的歌，唱的声音神都要惊醒，唱的歌还是来自讲四处游荡的害虫的动画电影。不是我不喜欢这个娃娃，只是因为我很肯定小孩子将这样的东西带到飞机上来时违法的。你听说过恐怖主义吗，提莫斯?这就是为什么你带这个玩具违法的原因。

　　Your whimpering and your dripping facial parts suggest that perhaps this conversation has run its course, so I’ll let you get back to your finger painting, your fidgeting, and your wanton, inexplicable shredding of the in-flight magazine. I’ll be here in my seat, fantasizing about hurtling my childless adult body out of the airplane and into the sky. Enjoy the rest of the flight, Timmy. I’ve really enjoyed sitting next to you. It’s fun to make new friends.

　　从你垂垂欲落泪，呜咽如有声的表情来看，咱们的谈话该结束了。我会让你回去继续点点戳戳，继续东动西动，继续玩闹，继续撕机上杂志玩。我还会待在自己的座位上，幻想将自己这没有小孩的成年人的身体冲出飞机，畅游天空。提米，享受接下来的飞行吧。坐在你身边，我真的很喜欢。交新朋友真是有趣啊。